Ändern

If I tell you that, everything is fine.

I will be lying is not. I am not okay.

Few weeks back I was talking to my sister. Her, the one I wrote about; Her, the one I thought I was so apart from and somehow have been learning that even from afar we are lots a like.

I have realized that maybe I one of those individuals that constantly need speaking and realizing their mind with a psychologist. Because Im building up these angst, those hard feelings. Worst-case scenario is that I know what or better sad who triggers me and there is nothing I can do.

I need help but there is something else to change. Is myself.

However, this is not what I came here to drop my thoughts about; the ultimatum was settle on the table. That fear of I am getting my ass kicked out from work. I screwed up so badly, my lousy mouth doing what she knows best. Getting me into trouble.

Yes, confirmed the fact of being losing my mind shit is got me in a huge issue, that might or not decide my status on this company. Regardless that, for the first time I had a conversation for the one that has been my boss for over 4 months now.

What is the matter?

My mind is playing tricks one me, I feel left out. Unworthy, unloved, incapable of doing shit. Overwhelmed. Tired. Angry…

I need help I cannot deal with my emotions and I know my mouth gets the best of me. It happens quite often that I say harsh things I did not meant to. Is just like a gut a revolver and the bullet is right there to be shot.

I cannot help it and I do not want to be like that.

Was affecting your performance?

Is not work related. Nevertheless, I am not sleeping well and when I do fall, sleep I’m too tired to come here on time.

Do you want to leave the company?

I will not lie and tell you that there isn’t days that Don’t want to pass that door. Lately, is being harder and harder to come. Sometimes, I felt mediocre because im biting the hand is feeding me.

Yes, there is days I wish I was working somewhere else but no, it will never be my intention to lose the relationship I have become to acquire here over the years.

Is not my intention to leave.

This is what we are going to do.

I will be by your side this couple of weeks. I know you hate micromanagement

I know you hate me but I want you to surpass this because I KNOW YOU CAN DO BETTER.

We will work together with you.

Moreover, for the first time in 2 years in this area. Someone finally said, you are lacking lets help you.

Peeps, I cried. Not just because I’m being taking care upon is for the first time someone actually cared enough.

For that, thank you ♥

For instead of telling me I’m screwing up and I need to get my shit together.

You are willing to help me and be part of the process.

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 
― C. JoyBell C.