I forgive you

I have met more awesome people trying to recover myself than being whoever society wanted me to be among this 26 years.

This is the first time I write you publicly.
This is the first time you will actually know because unfortunately, I'm more aware of what I mean if I write it down. And not only for you, for the people that didn't know, that doesn't know, that doesn't care but still are here.

I have no fear in doing this openly because months ago my life was on display, people were talking over my decisions, my approaches, the way I act, the way I feel.

And I have to say shit ton!

I could have reacted more badly of how I did.
I could have gone further of how they did.
But I decided to forgive you.
All of you, not because you are deserve or am I better its because you decided to play me, use me, hurt me and in the top of that you decided that you all were better than me.

I'm awful human that is quite terrible in expressing herself, I'm always either white or black,
I'm that bitch everyone complains about,
Too bossy, too noisy, too rigid!
So unapproachable!

I'm the one that either is way too kind or so mean that make people cry.
I'm the person that struggles with the depression since years ago,
I'm the person that neglects emotions and avoids physical contact,
I'm the one that carries a dying mother due to an illness that is unstoppable,
I'm the one dealing with a toxic relationship with her own life-giver,
I'm the one that never is enough for anyone,
I'm the one that will be always there but you won't take account for because she's never present.
I'm the one that gives without expecting because long ago she stopped waiting.

I carry anger.
I carry lost.
And now what I do its cry the most.

I encountered this friendship.
That gave me hope,
Made me vibrant and advise me to give my all.
To be better.
To stop neglecting, to feel more.
Taught me to aim for excellence,
Discipline and good decisions.

You gave me reasons,
When All I wanted was to end it all.

You listened and somehow acknowledge me as an individual why not?
And I'm really sorry that my trust died when you decided that friendship is only 1-way road.

I felt betrayed for the loss of trust and It hurt me when you said you loved me while doing so much worse.
It's funny when I told you to stop. Because for me, I love yous indicates trust.

And awesome how the mind works that let you know something is off.
The moment you decided to believe them it was done.
The moment you decided to against my back you knew it was wrong.
The moment you choose a "friend"

Just WOW.

And let's talk about her, who should not be named.
Her, that it's responsible, accountable and it's in her own rights to liaison whoever she wants.

But her who knew, who asked me, who were you.
So low.

Among all, she had to pick you.
But that says more of her because if she had to hide it off her so-called best friends, she knew it was wrong but she decided not to care.

The moment that she called me to confront whatever she thought we were.
Oh Dear Lord

, I don't want this spotlight again.

And now I hear people complaining because I act like nothing happened at the end.

People decisions are meant to teach them.
Some learn other don't.
Some assume its other's fault and carry along hunting for the next go.

I lost a friend. A lost a partner.
I lost the motor in the vicious cycle.
I did something really stupid.
I created a home inside another body that wasn't mine.

Now, I'm rebuilding.
And everyone is invited

I care about me.
Keep neglecting, keep avoiding, keep believing that you are unbreakable.

Keep faking it doesn't bother you.
I lost 2 but I gained someone much important.

 Me.