I gave up

You know all the stories that you read about inspiring humans
And you read about all the changes, and you are making those changes within you.

And then anxiety knocks your door,
Here I come as usual fearless,
Where I belong. Your mind.

The self-doubt your own bestie
That comes along letting you know why to change now if we were so comfy?

Why fight?
Why now?
Go back, go back, you are not like this!
You are a fraud!
Tricking yourself, you don't deserve it.
End it. End it.
It will go away.

And it scares me!
So much!
I don't  want you to pity me,
I don't want you to hate me.

I have tons of that shit already within me.
I want silence,
I want to breathe,
I want to hold in the sanity,
In the I can phase,
Until it infuses in me.

Often we get questioned,
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
And by now by default, you have this script memorized as it was your ID,
House, family, kids, business...

Sounds perfect,
You sound stable, goal oriented, responsible.
In reality, however:

Guess what I have been craving for l the last 10 years?
I want to live in happiness, gratitude, solicitude, fearless, peacefully and balanced.

I gave up

I'm giving up.

I had stopped torturing myself with fantasies and idealizations of what different it would have been.

I'm trying.
I'm stumbling
Crying when I write this because I'm falling, falling, I'm self-doubting, I don't want me.

I give up.

I'm giving up to try to please you,
I'm done trying to reach to you,
For what?

Who are you that judge me?
Who are you that dictates to whom I get with,?
Who are you so sorrow and full of guilt?
Who are you?

Ain't you me!

I gave up.
But with none, I keep fighting because I own me.